I DREAM OF SHEILA: HOPE SPRINGS
(Script Writer: PurnaChandra Sharma)
<Screen lights up>
Me: <Caller ID: PR><deep sigh>Yes?
PR<Preet Ramani>: WASSHUPP! PC, bro?
Me: <exasperated> Mitt, no one says “wasshupp” anymore and if you have to know, everything’s gone downhill since you skipped town after the, need I remind, self-inflicted 47% of a disaster.
PR: Ouch. We had a bit of a setback, didn’t we?
Me: <amused> If you call “face down in the mud” situation a “setback”. Yes, it was.
PR: That’s just a PoV. Anyways. Listen, I got some fantastic action going on. Got the time?
Me: Mitt, I am in the middle of…
PR: For the thousandth time, it’s “Preet”. The name’s Ramani. Preet Ramani. <wink><wink>
PR: I am moving out of the country. Guess where?
PR: <laughing> You are funny, bro.
PR: Your country.
Me: <aghast> Leave my motherland alone. What business you’ve got?
PR: Gonna set up shop with Modi-fi. Yeah, things are looking up. Yeah, baby, yeah.
Me: Modify India?
PR: No. Modi-fi in India.
Me: I am lost.
PR: Modi-fi. The Man. The Dude. You know. Am gonna be running the Treasury and …
Me: Modi Bhai?!!! YOU ACTUALLY MEAN “MODI BHAI”? Ha! ha! ha! That’s what I call “starting on the wrong note.” Bro, you are a delight. <Sternly> Learn the lingo. It’s “B-H-A-I”. Not “F-I.”
PR: Darn it! <paper rustling> Let me write it down. I should file a complaint with YouTube.
PR: Yeah, been taking lessons. Can’t believe the free stuffs you can find. he! he! he!
Me: HA! HA! HA! HA!
PR: HA! HA! HA! HA!
Me: Stop it.
PR: Can’t help it, bro, when you are laughing with me.
Me: I wasn’t laughing with you. I was LAUGHING AT YOU. You do know the difference, don’t you?
PR: <smile disappears>You are hurting my feelings.
Me: Hurting your …? Let’s talk about your senses first. DON’T YOU THINK IT’D MAKE SENSE TO HIRE AN ACTUAL TUTOR? A LIVING BREATHING QUALIFIED TUTOR. Call it an “investment” to set up shop with “Modi-fi”. <Sarcasm>
PR: <pouting> Now that really hurts. You talking to me about “investment” and all. Like my Harvard MBA is for nothing. It saves money, you know.
Me: <rolling my eyes> Your horse cost … Never mind.
PR: <smile reappears>So, you know now, why I changed my name. All part of the plan. <wink><wink>
Me: Please stop saying “wink wink” with angle brackets. Changing you name does not make you a citizen. Someone forgot to tell you?
PR: <emphatically> I Am! Now!
Me: <shocked> Let me guess. You greased “Modi-fi” with “FDI” in “ICICI”. <sarcasm>
PR: <laughing> Dude, you really are funny. Heck, no. It’s all legit.
Me: Why, you found out your cousin’s mother’s great grandfather is Italian. <snickering>
PR: <with sudden rage> Please don’t even say “Italian” to me. My blood boils. <muttering>Those … <unprintable expletives>
Me: Relax. I was being funny. Now tell me. Seriously.
PR: <business-like> Well, I assessed all the challenge-dynamics and realized that mission-critical balls were up in the air. So, in light of assets already in flight, I had to strategize and adopt a risk-adversed
methodology for a capability to insulate our core-assets from market-forces. Therefore, after extensive brainstorming offline sessions, with the acquisition of a roadmap for a clear vision of our position in the
short runaway of such a ubiquitous initiative with a compressed time-frame, I developed a holistic plan-of-action to execute the low-hanging fruit with preci… <interrupted>
Me: <exasperated> Mitt, spare me your business “vaporware”.
PR: Ok. Ok. You can’t hold your horses, can you? <paper rustling>
Me: What are you doing? Are you writing down this conversation?
PR: No, just “vaporware”. Thanks, man. Can I use it in the next board meeting?
Me: No. It’s copyrighted.
PR: He! he! he! I like you, man. Alright. But back to the subject. Did it the Chinese-slash-Mexican way. I am married to a nice Indian lady.
Me: Married? But you are already married. Did your wife leave …
PR: No, no, no. It’s all business. Nothing personal. You see, we did that circling-thingy in the temple with the priest, song-and-dance and all. Except it was 6 circles. Like in bollywood, as you say, “philums”. So, it’s all “unofficially” “official”. He! he! he! Talk about exploiting loopholes. <turning face away from camera and winking>.
Me: <Shaking head. Sigh.>Mitt, I know you winked. <muttering: Lord Brahma, please make him stop.> Not that I care, might I ask who’s the unfortunate lady?
PR: I wrote it down somewhere. <paper rustling> Here it is. Sheila B. Gianni. Hope I said it right.
Me: Sheila B. Gianni???
PR: <big smile>Ring a bell, eh? Financing her next big-budget “philum”? Give-and-take deal. <chortling>
Me: Who’s Sheila B…?<racking my head> SHEELA KI …? YOU ACTUALLY MEAN SHEELA KI JAWA….? <flabbergasted>
PR: Yeah. That “Sheila”!
Me:<FOFL><breakfast bowls flying in the air><ROFL><bowls crashing><LRL><bowls breaking><LSHMBH><donuts, ice-cream, strawberry milkshake, cheese danish all over my face><CBLTH>
PR: Hey, what was that? Is your wife beating you…again?
Me: <tears of laughter><catching my breath>No. Oh, boy. THAT IS HILARIOUS.
PR: Clever stratagem. Right? <giggling>
Me: I must admit you have outdone yourself this time. Sheila Ki Ja…. <laughing to myself> That’s the name of her song. Your brand new wife does have a name. It’s Ka….
PR: Gawd! I do. She’s my wife, man. It’s just that Sheila B. Gianni sounds, like you Indians say, “umrika”-like. <chuckling>
Me: Congratulations! … “unofficially”
PR: Much appreciated, my brother. So, how’s the ceremony gonna be like?
Me: Ceremony? Didn’t you just say it’s done?
PR: No, no. I mean, the red carpet welcome. I deserve it. After all, I am gonna be Minister of Finance. I see garlands, fireworks, elephants, trumpets, dancing girls. The entire platinum package. <giggling>
Me: Hmm… Let me see. Phony marriage. Forged documents. False identity. Bogus election.
PR: <indignant> Phony? Forged?!!! Those are serious allegations. <true politician-like>
Me: Yes, you can expect a grand welcome ceremony. Third Degree package.
PR: Third Degree??? What is it? Better than platinum package?
Me: You know “IKIWISI”?
PR: Yes, “I’ll know it when …”<interrupted>
Me: You Will Know It When You Feel It. All the best. Preet. <hangs up>
<Switches to uni-screen. Wide-angle shot>
PR: <dial tone><astonished><checks signal bars on phone>Hello? PC, you there?
<automated voice: “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”><screen collapses>
<soundtrack plays: Van Halen’s “Dreams”>
World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin’ down
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings
So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you’ve cried
Ohh that’s what dreams are made of
Higher and higher who knows what we’ll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause that’s what love is made of
<CAPTION: PC & PR Will Be Back in “I Dream of Sheila 2: Tears Aren’t Forever”>